family of origin

To Do, Doing, Done

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What a difference a year can make.  Last year at this time I was highly stressed over everything.  I was dreading the holidays, and looking for answers to my dysfunctional family of origin.  I was burdened without knowing where my next home might be and uncertain as to our future regarding EVERYTHING.

I carried my disappointments front and center all the while trying to make sense out of things that had no answers.  This practice lead me to intense sadness, and counter-productive thoughts. Even though I logically was writing about solutions which contained numerous rationalizations, I wasn’t really seeing positive results.

I used to describe my living condition as a sort of limbo hell both physically and emotionally.  In essence that was what it was; limbo hell.

I wrote.  I read.  I planned. I learned. I tried everything, nothing worked.

You know why nothing worked?

Nothing worked because I thought writing the ideas, reading them, and believing  I knew something would be enough to make things better.  I am going to tell you right here and now….”knowing” anything  is worthless without “doing.”

And that is where I am now.   I am in the “doing phase.”  I am, once and for all, dropping all the slights and the hurts that I perceived over the past several years of my life.  Seriously, in order to get anywhere you have to stop “feeling” the past.  I use the word ” feeling”  the past instead of living, or thinking about the past because it’s how you feel that squashes out your light.

Very soon after I started this “journey to living better with less” I broke down and cried when told I had too many framed photos.  That scene made me well aware that my journey was about much more than just “stuff.”  I know why I cried.  Inside all those frames I saw photos of better times.  I cried because I was forced to acknowledge time had vanished into thin air faster than a blink.  It all hit me at once like a ton of bricks.  I was without.  I was in limbo.

Fast forward to now:

This year I am hosting Thanksgiving  for my entire family, including my family of origin and I am doing it with an open heart.   That’s right, for those people who I have said terrible things about and who I saw as a problem.   Those who I shut out and avoided.   I am kind of shocked about this myself, but I have thought about this for a awhile and it feels right.

They say time heals, but I don’t think it is time.  I think we heal by our own choice.  I am not saying it’s easy, but at some point in time you have to move on and you have to let go.  You need to live in the present, and see the here and now and you have to eliminate feeling the past.  The past is gone.

So now, maybe now, I can say I have grown.  Maybe I am capable of putting everything I have learned to work.  I’ll tell you this much, it feels like a huge heavy boulder has been remove from my soul, and that is a good thing.  I don’t plan on ever holding on to emotional garbage again.  From my experience emotional clutter is far more destructive than any of the items collecting dust in my storage unit.

Time to carry on. Cheers!

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Accepting truth

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I am taking a break because I just can’t think straight right now.

It’s no big deal, this house hunting has been a miserable experience, I don’t know how many we have lost. Oh and the one we were going to close on we found out is loaded with asbestos, disturbed asbestos. So we rescinded that offer and lost that house last week.

I knew it was hard losing our home, but I thought I did okay with that. Getting rid of a bunch of stuff hasn’t been that bad. I don’t miss any of it. (mind you I have a lot left to go) I knew having all my children disappear to college at virtually the same time, and then letting me know they are never moving back to Ohio would be hard, but I manage it. ( I want them to live in many places – that’s how I like to live) I am proud of them and support them. I miss them to pieces, but that’s to be expected.

The economy sent our business for a loop, but we are getting through that, not fun, but so what.

life should be this pretty

The killer issue: living in my mothers house has proven to be more than I can take. Funny, how when you live away from someone you tend to forget their faults. You make excuses for them, you don’t see them for long periods of time. I have faults too, but seriously, the sh*t I hear daily is so disturbing.

I used to bend over backwards in kindness, generosity and consideration, trying to win a measure of love, respect and kindness that just isn’t available in my family of origin. Unfortunately, the way they think is deeply rooted in me, and their beliefs about love lives in my core like a damaged chromosome. I do not want become her/them, but it could be too late. When I see things I have done, behavior just like them, I know it’s alive in me too. I get disgusted and sometime I don’t recognize my behavior until it is way too late.

I fear for the damage I may have done to my own children. I will forever feel guilty for all my mistakes.

For the bulk of my life, I created a different reality-one other than the cold truth, but the truth never hides. Now I have to somehow fix myself. There have been days I have contemplated should I become a drunk or a drug addict. I swear, I never saw this coming, not this late in the game. I really got f*cked up in my upbringing.

A while back, I remember telling someone else, that their mother loved them no matter how it seemed. That may be true, but there are different levels, different definitions and various understandings of what love means for each person. And when those ideals don’t line up or aren’t even close to lining up, it doesn’t work.

I know people really don’t like to hear negative whining. Repeated posts complaining of the same old situation even bores me. Hand me the happy feel good, cheerful smile, inspiration and success stories, please. So I’ll leave you with a beautiful photograph (above), and promise you I will get through this.

Wish me luck, I am very sad broken damaged and I know this will be hard. I am bitter and I regret the years I wasted. And I am unimpressed with my ability to deal with what I know.

Over and over again, I convinced myself to believe it was different, because that’s what I wanted to be true.