emotional

Accepting truth

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I am taking a break because I just can’t think straight right now.

It’s no big deal, this house hunting has been a miserable experience, I don’t know how many we have lost. Oh and the one we were going to close on we found out is loaded with asbestos, disturbed asbestos. So we rescinded that offer and lost that house last week.

I knew it was hard losing our home, but I thought I did okay with that. Getting rid of a bunch of stuff hasn’t been that bad. I don’t miss any of it. (mind you I have a lot left to go) I knew having all my children disappear to college at virtually the same time, and then letting me know they are never moving back to Ohio would be hard, but I manage it. ( I want them to live in many places – that’s how I like to live) I am proud of them and support them. I miss them to pieces, but that’s to be expected.

The economy sent our business for a loop, but we are getting through that, not fun, but so what.

life should be this pretty

The killer issue: living in my mothers house has proven to be more than I can take. Funny, how when you live away from someone you tend to forget their faults. You make excuses for them, you don’t see them for long periods of time. I have faults too, but seriously, the sh*t I hear daily is so disturbing.

I used to bend over backwards in kindness, generosity and consideration, trying to win a measure of love, respect and kindness that just isn’t available in my family of origin. Unfortunately, the way they think is deeply rooted in me, and their beliefs about love lives in my core like a damaged chromosome. I do not want become her/them, but it could be too late. When I see things I have done, behavior just like them, I know it’s alive in me too. I get disgusted and sometime I don’t recognize my behavior until it is way too late.

I fear for the damage I may have done to my own children. I will forever feel guilty for all my mistakes.

For the bulk of my life, I created a different reality-one other than the cold truth, but the truth never hides. Now I have to somehow fix myself. There have been days I have contemplated should I become a drunk or a drug addict. I swear, I never saw this coming, not this late in the game. I really got f*cked up in my upbringing.

A while back, I remember telling someone else, that their mother loved them no matter how it seemed. That may be true, but there are different levels, different definitions and various understandings of what love means for each person. And when those ideals don’t line up or aren’t even close to lining up, it doesn’t work.

I know people really don’t like to hear negative whining. Repeated posts complaining of the same old situation even bores me. Hand me the happy feel good, cheerful smile, inspiration and success stories, please. So I’ll leave you with a beautiful photograph (above), and promise you I will get through this.

Wish me luck, I am very sad broken damaged and I know this will be hard. I am bitter and I regret the years I wasted. And I am unimpressed with my ability to deal with what I know.

Over and over again, I convinced myself to believe it was different, because that’s what I wanted to be true.

Not everything can be fixed

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Realizing this is difficult.  I would say, I must have thought I was super woman or something in the past because it never crossed my mind that some things are un-fixable.

At one point in my life,  I was looking at that broken egg on the ground.  I said, “That’s my last food, you broke my last food.”

That was so many years ago, it wasn’t my last food ever, but it was never fixed.  Because food in general was replaced, the brokenness of my last egg meant very little to me.  However, I never forgot the feeling of having nothing, and no way to fix it..

When you realize that somethings cant be fixed, it’s intensely realistic.  But being a mother as I have for 22 plus years now, you spend you entire life fixing things and making bad things better.  Then comes the day you can’t. You can’t fix it. You can’t make it better.

On that day little pieces of you die.

Share

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Today’s post is a “share.”

I don’t know many of you well, but I do know human nature.  And I think I can say with utter certainty that life is going to knock you down at least once in your life.  Way down.  And when it does, this blog post by James Altucher is here to help you.

You have to read the entire post (that’s an order) , which is worth every second of your attention to get to ” T ” which is pure genius:

” T)     Most important: When you have money, love, contentment, this is not when you have succeeded. These are the results. The trumpets are not blowing now. You’re sleeping and you don’t care. MOST IMPORTANT: the trumpets are blowing when you are at your lows and you take that next step forward. That is success. That is love of life. That is creativity and spirit and God.

When you are at the lowest, you are closest to God, to your faith, to a higher power, to an inner you. To whatever you want to call it. Nobody cares what you call it. This is your moment to shine, to show how much you’ve learned, to show how much you are able to succeed. There are no other moments as powerful. Please don’t waste them.

Please bookmark and share 20 ways to restore faith when everything goes wrong.  You never know who might really need this help on any given day.

Cheers!

Seriously only Friday

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I am so amazingly happy that it is a regular Friday.  No holiday anything.  Just a normal day, and the best day of the work week.

But I have lost some very important papers.  So that’s about all I can think about at the moment. Don’t you  hate it when that happens?

Living in my mother’s house without even a dresser to use for ourselves has served to teach me well.  I am living in disarray, in uncertainty, and in limbo.  I am a bit mental at the moment as well.  And I don’t even care, if I tell you this or not.  I am meeting the challenge of this living arrangement , but there has been collateral damage.  Well-being damage.  That’s okay. (it’s not forever….I keep telling myself)

Currently I am considering writing a book of how NOT to be when you get old.  I am getting old, but man when you are really old it’s an entirely different story.  Very scary.  Maybe if I take notes of  “do’s and don’ts” now I’ll be able to save myself and those around me later.

What’s the REAL kicker for this Friday?  A house, of coarse, what else?

Yep, once again, we are putting a bid in on a house.  I’ll keep you posted, because I cant help myself.  If we get this house, I am planning on posting before and after pics as we pour ourselves into making it livable. (Good thing, I like that kind of work )

So go ahead stay on task, sort something, donate at least one thing, and toss five items into the trash.

Meanwhile, I’ll be in a demented mode searching for lost papers and waiting and looking more and waiting….

Enjoy your Friday- Cheers!

Tip: Organize your important papers….lol…once and for all. 

Inspiration: “Seek patience and passion in equal amounts. Patience alone will not build the temple. Passion alone will destroy its walls.” – Maya Angelou

One-day one-thing: Find that accordion file and start the new year right.

Please watch before you make even one decision for 2012

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I am seriously finding my focus, after surviving the last horrid holiday season of my life. Spent Christmas eve in the emergency room, my Mother broke her arm in two places and she goes tomorrow to find out if it will need surgery.

We learned that no pharmacies anywhere close to hospitals are open on holidays at 12 midnight, and we met Johnny, the lone pharmacist. He was a double for the assistant on 30 Rock.

Once again, I am reminded that no one else will even consider helping with the care giving. It’s me and my family or nothing. Haven’t seen the siblings since Christmas day.

I am on a mission for change. I mean it. I know its going to be hard because it was hard before… but determination has a key role here.

I’ll catch up soon. Happy New Year – or else!

I get ticked.

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You know what is really difficult to do- besides change something?

It’s really hard to be up when you are down.  And I am not down as much as I am just exhausted from life.  I am tired of everything.  Almost everything, okay-okay nearly everything.

I don't even know what the universe looks like

Right now for instance the spell checker is underlining words that aren’t spelled incorrectly.  Why? ?  The other day I upgraded my OS on my iPhone and it removed my entire library of songs, except the few I purchased and those are greyed out and wont play.  These are little inconsequential things that do not matter one tiny bit, but they piss me off.  Why do they piss me off?

I’ll answer that:  Because the bigger issues in my life aren’t getting resolved.  So I find anything to rage against.  This isn’t how I like to be, but then again, if I pretend everything wonderful then I am being a  “phony.”

I don’t like pretending. I am what I am.  And right now I am ticked at the universe.

On a different day, on most days,(especially days I don’t have to deal with my family of origin) I am filled with hope, creativity and optimism, and it’s 100% genuine. “….So I got that going for me.”

I try to write from a place of  honesty, which caused this rant of a post to travel from my mind to the keyboard. I didn’t expect it to become a post I would publish.

I will take a break, because I need a break.  It’s as simple as that.  Driving to NYC will be a good break.

My favorite when I'm not down

I lose my appetite when I feel like this, but so many people out there do the opposite.  They’re happy to grab a pint of Ben & Jerry’s watch a movie and chill for a awhile.  Not me.  I hate food.  Food is a pain in the @ss.  The grocery stores are awful. I dislike the carts and the people that leave them sideways in the aisle just so they can do whatever.

Besides that, the fact is that most food in America is jacked up on chemicals, hormones, pesticides and our eggs are hatch from hens that can’t even walk, who wants to eat that sh*t?  I am terrified to watch Food Inc, because I know I won’t eat for days after watching it.  I read Skinny Bitch through the chapter about meat and never picked up the book again. I didn’t eat meat much after that.

Suggestion:  if you eat meat at all, you owe it to yourself to read that chapter.

I am not a vegetarian yet, but the day is coming and coming soon.  I eat fish and eggs.  I eat those two animal products.  Sometimes milk, a third animal product – which is totally gross.   I’ll suppose I will become a demi-vegetarians.  They don’t eat red meat or poultry, but they do eat fish, eggs, vegetarian cheese, and milk-based products.  I may cut out the cows-milk.  I’ll have to buy my eggs from a person who lives south of here.  I remember driving past a house with a sign that says “fresh eggs.”

So what will I do to get out of this funk, starting now ?

1. Drink a glass of red wine.

2. Make a list of what I will do for the entire day Friday. Organized hour by hour, and in a logistical manner so that I will not back track –  (another one of my many quirks)

3. I will go to my office and light a red velvet cake candle and play really soothing music and work in peace.

4. I’ll come home and eat left over asparagus & pasta, then take a bubble bath.

5. Maybe catch up on Dexter episodes and sleep like a baby.

Getting out of a funk for me means- You have to take the time to take care of yourself.  Anyway you chose.

Thanks for reading, Happy Friday.

Cheers.

Tip: Listen to your feelings, they are there for a reason.

Inspiration:“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” ~ Dr Seuss

One-day one-thing: Be good to yourself, and if that means chocolate or ice cream go for it. :)

The Perfect Gift – Encouragement

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(written Saturday night)

To tell you the truth, I don’t even think I have a positive thought in my brain right now.  Do you ever feel that way?

Just another day of house hunting disappointments.  Actually two on one day, no make that three. I sick of moaning about it, so I will keep this short. The first and second house of the day were no good.  The first one was okay but not right for us.

The second one, which was my only remaining  “maybe” out of about 30, I found out  is in a neighborhood that is fighting a huge incinerator installment.  The incinerator will bring 500 diesel fueled garbage trucks thorough their neighbor 24/7 from all over the county.

People from the Sierra Group have even  joined the fight to protect the health of the animals at the nearby Zoo.  No incinerator like this one exists anywhere in the USA.  I learned all this from homeowners who had activist signs in their yard.  It’s horrible what the city is doing.  As I was leaving,  I told her her neighborhood was nice she answered,” Yes it is very nice, but you know we all have guns…… it’s Cleveland after all.”

The third house lifted me up.  It matched all the crossed off goals under my photo. It had everything, even enough land to build a Eco-house if we wanted.  We stopped for some Mexican food and margaritas.  I was so excited my husband said I sounded like I was on drugs.  I just kept saying, “It’s perfect.  This has everything we want! ” On and on, even the food was great. When we got home and we called for the lock-box code, but we were too late the house already sold.  My heart sank.

I did learn quite a bit  today.  I know where I don’t want to live.  I think I know where we do want to live, so that means I have gained some focus, and direction.  That is, at least for now, and that alone is wonderful because it was just yesterday that I had absolutely zero vision.  I’m still in limbo but with a much better  idea of where we are going…….eventually.

I like this even better than the last one.

Here’s the thing, I could have stayed home, done laundry and moped around because I had no idea what to do.  I was blank screen.  And honestly I would have done just that, except the laundry.  But my Husband made encouraged me get out of the house, and just drive through various neighborhoods.

Even now  although I’m still bummed, at least for some amount of time today I was overjoyed, excited and deliriously happy.  I felt like we hit the lottery or something.  We both were so hopeful and life felt fun.  Those moments with those great feelings we shared were wonderful.  Some days you get those moments other days you don’t. Some day you think you’ll never have another fun day the rest of your life.  Believe me I know.

The lesson learned:  You have to shake it up when you least want to.  When you want to craw inside a cave and let the dishes pile up because you just don’t give a sh*t – that is exactly the time you have to force yourself to do something, anything.  I am as bad, if not worse,  at doing this at the the next person.  It can be really tough to pull yourself up, by yourself.  I know for sure I wouldn’t have budged an inch, without loving encouragement from my Husband.  Thanks MrRat.

Cheers to the great moments.

Tip: You can give up once in awhile but you really can’t quit.

Inspiration: ” One of the most beautiful gifts in the world is the gift of encouragement. When someone encourages you, that person helps you over a threshold you might otherwise never have crossed on your own.” – John O’Donohue

One-day one-thing: Encourage someone, anyone.

I am not what I own

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Which is good.  Because I don’t want to be a bunch of old crap in a storage unit, or and minivan with a crack windshield, even though I love that van.  ( stigma= soccer mom car – but I was a soccer mom )  I am about to break 100,000 miles on the Odyssey, and all those trips represent my family’s travel only.  Kind of sentimental, or maybe only mental, it makes no difference.  Now I use it for my dogs and to my transport of children to and from college.  I’d like to convert it to a camper some day. (hey Pimp-My_Ride pick me)  It’s so useful I will own until the day it dies.

In any case, I confess when I was younger I was into everything materialistic.  Brands and designers, oh yeah.   Not that I thought it made me better, just that I thought is was better to have.  This is quite embarrassing to me now, but most my gifts (from my husband only)  were from Tiffany & Co.   I saved all the boxes.  Those are somewhere inside another box, God-only-knows where.  The beautiful nuggets that were inside those blue boxes are locked in a safe and rarely come out to play.  Which makes it all the more ridiculous.

I love those gifts.  They were given to me with love and that’s what makes them special.  However one of my most treasured gifts is a rock that has “I love you” written on it with chalk.  It was handed to me while having a dinner picnic at the beach.   It’s from one of my children, they don’t remember, and I don’t remember which one, so my mind lets me believe  it ‘s from all of them.

And I don’t own that rock, it belongs to the earth, but I choose to own the sentiment.   Though all my chaos, I have made it a top priority to preserve that rock.  Protecting it for years, maybe as many as 11 years, because I don’t want the chalk to wear off.   I don’t want to ever lose that moment, even though the moment is long gone.

There is no easy way to do this.  People  have tried to protect the famous chalk words of Premier Wen Jiabao,” “distress rejuvenates a nation.” He wrote this while was pointing out to high-schoolers,  that despite all of the hardship that the Wenchuan earthquake had brought to the students, their families, and the people of Sichuan, it wasn’t the end of the world.  They put glass over the words on the chalkboard, which is still in the school.

"distress rejuvenates a nation"

My point, do I have one?  Yeah I have one.  We are not what we own.  We are nothing but what we think or believe at any moment.  If we choose to feel and think  hatred and venom then that is what we are.  If we choose to think/ live with love and compassion then that is what we are.

Make no mistake, we forever adapting fluid beings that can change moment by moment.  When someone is spewing hate in your direction, the first response is fight or flight.  Too often we think we can win by fighting, when in reality we win by simply walking away and letting it go.

And remember it’s no crime to experience an wide spectrum of emotions, we have emotions for our own protection.  Don’t beat yourself up if you get angry, but do take the time to examine and figure out how to get un-angry.

You are never going to be the car you drive, no matter how spectacular (or crappy) you think it is.  It’s not who you are.

Cheers!

Tip: Pick what you want to be and try your hardest to be that as often as possible.

Inspiration: “Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver.”- Barbara De Angelis

One-day one-thing: When stress hits you today, for one minute mentally imagine yourself somewhere peaceful. Repeat as needed.

(I am so writing this for myself)

Change

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Today is Sunday. My free day. My day to do whatever I would like.

I woke up full on tension and stress. I can seem to let it go.

I know I have to figure this out, because it’s killing me. There other day I ask my husband , “Are things ever going to get better?”
Then next minute my computer USB devices ALL failed. He answered, “Apparently not.”

I know my writing has been a downer lately. Even I don’t want to read it or publish it.

I desperately need to get out of this toxic environment. I feel like leaving and never coming back. Last time I felt this way, I packed up what I needed in my red Ford Fiesta and left to live in Dallas without even a job. That was over twenty years ago. And now I see even more clearly why I left.

That was then, now we have a business here and other commitments. Leaving doesn’t appear to be an option.

That is my harsh reality.

Oh it isn’t so bad. But I hate it when people say stuff like “others have it worse.” That doesn’t make me feel any better it only makes me feel bad for the other people who suffer. Being miserable isn’t a competition.

Sure I’m not on fire, but that doesn’t mean sh*t.

We bid on another house. I’m not expecting to get it. Our bid was really low. I’ve decided I don’t want to live where I have to carry a weapon and we have to install security. So that knocks out entire neighborhoods.

In the meantime my kids are getting ready to leave, their Thanksgiving breaks are over. They will be home again in December, which is good for me to keep in mind.

Maybe by then a miracle will happen.

Thankless

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Hopefully you are in a place where an abundance of joy and love are thriving.  Maybe you are visiting your new grandchild for the first time.  Maybe you are sleeping in or making an early morning  trip to buy bagels for everyone, before a day of cooking commences. Maybe you are hosting and cooking a turkey for the first time ever.

I am having dinner at a restaurant with three siblings who have shown me nothing for as long as I  can remember.  But the part that really hurts is that during my last very rough year and a half, not a word.  Not one single communication.   Not a single mention of empathy or kindness.  Not one offer of help.  Zero compassion.  Zero anything.

I don’t expect anything  from them and I never will.  So for me to write about me being thankful for them, is like person lying about being married. It’s untruthful and I  don’t care to live like that.  I am am thankless for them.

 (sounds harsh to even me, but it’s true)

Obviously, I have a different definition of what “family” means than they do.  I carry my idea of family to my family, my husband and my three children and our pets.  I even extend that level of caring to my friends and co-workers, even most strangers; ( believe it or not ) that is without breaking normal boundaries.

I’m going to this dinner solely for my 84 year old mother. She asked us to join them and I first said,” No thank you.”  She said ,”Well they’re coming over here anyway, whether you come or not.” (we are temporarily living in my mother’s house until we buy our own)  I said, “Okay we’ll go.”

What I learn from this is that I am not alone.  Many people have families full of dysfunction.  This holiday, there will be families who dis-own their own children and grand children solely because of sexual preference.  There will be racists remarks made to bi-racial couples who are nothing but deeply in love.  Political differences will spark arguments.  And I know this is morbid, but there will be Thanksgiving killings today.  Some families should just stay away from each other no matter what man-made holiday tells them they need to be together.

So to those of you out there who will suffer through this holiday, acknowledge you don’t have to be thankful for the toxic people in your life, even if you are breaking bread with them or if you are related by blood.  Remember you are not alone.  Family wounds run deep and never truly go away, this I know.  At the table, I will say a silent prayer of support for you and your struggle.

Take this day and be thankful that you can create your own life to be the way you want it to be.  Be thankful that holidays only occupy a small segment in the timeline of your life.  Be thankful for the lessons learned of how not to be.   Be thankful for the people, or person, in your life who is kind.  Be thankful for your dog or cat, or whatever little soul you consider part of your family.  Be thankful  that you have the power to spread kindness to others.  Be thankful to know compassion.  Be thankful you can express gratitude.  Be thankful just to be.

Cheers to you!

Tip: Concentrate on these tips to get through the day.

Inspiration: “Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.” – Melody Beattie

One-day one-thing: Keep your sense of humor today, as this too shall pass. :)