control

Screwed up.

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So everything in your life is a mess, you’re stressed and wondering what you should do.  It’s easy to let your emotions take over at times like these, but that’s not going to help anything.

Here’s what you are gong to do about it: NOTHING.

Artist Andrew Myers, modern-day sculptor

Andrew Myers make creates portraits with screws.

Let go of your problems for a while. I suggest all day today, just don’t do or think anything related to any of the problems in your life. If you have to, put a rubber band on your wrist and snap it every time you find yourself dwelling on some issue you can not control or thinking about an issue that has you worried or upset.

I plan on reading. I know I have a pile of books that are begging for my attention. When you read you learn. Learning is a sure way to take your mind someplace else. I may be going to a movie, by myself. It’s quite relaxing to go out without any company. I encourage you to try it.

If you are alone most the time, go somewhere social. Go to a museum and join a talk or a group tour. You’ll be with other people and share an experience, which is usually interesting if nothing more.

By the end of the day your life will still be a mess but you will not have wasted your Saturday worrying about it.

Your mission should you chose to take it is: Make your today work for you and not against you.

Cheers!

Tip: Leave the desk behind if you can this weekend and just live. It’s hard to slow down

Inspiration: “My ideas usually come not at my desk writing but in the midst of living.” – Anais Nin

One-day one-thing: Enjoy something, anything, your choice.

Sleepless Reality

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Everything seems possible when you can’t sleep, except of course sleeping.

No one bothers you but yourself on sleepless nights.  But the worse part for me is knowing how awful I will feel the next day.

Well, today is the next day, I have a mild headache and have a list of “must do’ errands.   Winter arrived during the night and there’s a few inches of snow covering everything, and I am sure it’s in the teens with the wind chill.

What did I learn last night?

The earliest known Great White Shark fossils are about 16 million years old

Drinking coffee after not drinking coffee for a week – is a bad idea.  Either commit to it or don’t, because it really does effect your body.  I have had three sips today, and I think that’s going to be all for me, okay one more sip, but that’s it.  Maybe the caffeine is stronger when I use my french press? Or maybe it was the Jamaican coffee, or maybe it’s because I recently switch to a 66% raw diet?  But that’s it for me, no more coffee. That last sip was extremely unsatisfying.

I found out my best friend when I cant sleep is my iPhone.  I didn’t have to get out of bed, and it took minimal effort to read, browse news, tumblr and comment on blogs.  Connect then disconnect with people who were awake, where ever.  Then I would attempt to sleep again.

Tossing and turning is the worst. I  convinced myself that laying perfectly still would be the closest thing I could do to sleep.   I did that exercise more than once.

I figured out that that guy that was on “Shark Tank” episode last night probably didn’t sleep for months after losing 200K in less than 2 minutes.  Offer to hand me a check for 600K for my company free and clear, I say, ” Hell yes  and thank you!” in a New York minute.

During my sleepless night, I decided I didn’t feel right about putting in an offer on house #6.  Needless to say, house #5 rejected our offer.  The #5 house was the best one so far, in the big picture.  We signed all the #6 papers yesterday, and I told my Husband this morning it was a no-go.  He said, ” No problem, we’ll trust your instinct, there will be more houses.”   Was it instinct or exhaustion? No one knows.

Which brings me to this conclusion: no one knows anything.  We only think we know.  We act like we know.  We speak like we know and we listen to others like they may know.

We don’t, they don’t, but we all try to varying degrees to “know.”  Give “not-knowing” a try today.  It’s kind of fun.

Cheers!

Tip: Question yourself.

Inspiration:” We are now at a point in time when the ability to receive, utilize, store, transform and trasmit data — the lowest cognitive form — has expanded literally beyond comprehension. Understanding and wisdom are largely forgotten as we struggle under an avalanche of data and information.” – Dee Hock

One-day one-thing: Errands, as simple as that.

Personalized A.D.D.

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Nothing accomplished.  December has become another month to just make it through.  To handle all the crises that came our way and try to do it without total self destruction.  Look at me, it’s only the 2oth and I am already writing the month off.

I am in New York, and last night  hearing my son tell me he is never ever moving back to Ohio makes me wonder than why the heck am I staying here?  My daughter would like us to move some where near the east coast, so she could visit more easily when she wanted.   My youngest son just wants to have his own room again.  Heavy sigh. (he just informed me, So Cal.)

I don’t know how to handle a situation I can not control.  We are not in a position to move anywhere, except maybe locally.  Do you know how scarey it is to have to sell your house, and it doesn’t sell?  Fourteen months on the market, not one offer.  I never want to be there again.  I also am not hip on getting a house that requires a bunch of repairs, but we are limited by our budget.

I don’t know what to do.

I don’t  know how other people do it.  How do they just start over? That’s one of our issues, we can’t start completely over, because we have commitments and constraints. We hold certain cards, and without picking up a pair of aces I think we are working with a measurable handicap.

But that doesn’t mean we can’t change, it’s just means we have to plan around everything.

For about a week, for maybe 5 days, we thought we had an answer. We believed we made a choice.  But now, I am no longer interested in that. Too far and too close at the same time…why bother?

Just got our yearly Christmas news letter from some relatives.  I mean seriously, I had to read it twice  to make sure my sour mood wasn’t clouding my judgement.  Nope, it wasn’t, still as pretentious as ever.  Most years I don’t even read it.

Why did I choose to read it today?  Because I am an idiot, who feels bad, and wanted to feel worse?  No.  I think I was honestly hoping for a twinkle light of inspiration. Not to be.

Have I mentioned how stressful the holidays are for me?  I swear, the biggest luxury for me would be to avoid the entire Thanksgiving to New Years Day season.

I want to move beyond my dissatisfaction,  but it’s inside me tightly holding hands with my lack of clarity.

I can’t tell myself what to do anymore.  I can read my own advice and that helps in certain areas, but not this “where to live topic, how to get there, is it the right choice” dilemma.  So so complicated.

I am flailing.  Holding myself together, with avoidance, denial, and distractions.  My own personal brand of ADD.   A mental cocktail of sorts.  I highly recommended it for anyone, in a messed up situation.

About to go out to dinner…..it’ will be great, I will  be in full ADD mode.   Cheers!

100,000 miles

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She lay lifeless in the medium.  Two people were standing over her without any expression, as if they themselves were not there.  Four cars scattered about in the snow covered grassy area separating the westbound from the eastbound traffic. A fifth car sat damaged on the far right shoulder of eastbound lanes.

It never occurred to me that I would see a dead person on my drive to NYC.  She had obviously been thrown from one of the vehicles. Her body was tangled on top the snow in an unnatural state.  I could tell she was dead from a distance.

Thoughts rushed through my head;  like if I had left 3 minutes earlier, I might have been in that accident. Or I bet they were just heading out to go shopping and in no shape or form did they expect this.  That poor woman, her family, her children, oh my God!  All because of a slippery road, an accident.  No one wanted this to happen.  No one.

It was the first snow of the season, and the roads had not been touched.  No salt, no plowing.  Actually there wasn’t enough snow to plow, but there was plenty to make it extremely slippery and dangerous driving.  It was awful.  As I continued on my way there were more fender benders, a  pick-up that had rolled-over, and another truck that lost it’s front wheel (not just the tire – the entire wheel) – it must have hit something with high impact.

My driving speed raged between 20 and 40 miles per hour,  I was considering turning around.  But little by little it cleared up, the roads improved and I was decidedly on my way.

Traffic was light until I hit the Delaware Gap, from there in it got worse, much worse.  Jill, my GPS voice,  is old out-dated.  She doesn’t know anything about the detours and construction before the Holland Tunnel.  By this time, it was dark, she directed me onto several side streets in Jersey City.    Surprisingly these streets were loaded, completely packed full, with Christmas lights. It was stunning.  Fast forward through the H-tunnel and Canal Street (both total chaotic messes) and I finally made my way to Brooklyn, arriving only one hour past my original ETA.

Today I cracked 100,000. miles on my Odyssey.  All miles that we put on the car.   We’ve never done that with any other car, so it’s an accomplishment of sorts. I knew it would happen on this trip.

However what remains is the snap shot of what I didn’t expect.  Except for the two people gazing over the body, each driver stood alone motionless next to their own cars.

In my head, they are all still standing there, frozen in time.

(Post note: I have been unable to verify any details of this accident, maybe she lived)

Before and Afters

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When I got up this morning I took my vitamin, grabbed the glass next to my computer with soda in it to wash it down.  But it was left over red wine from last night.  That’s what happens when you don’t use a wine glass.  I chased that with the remnants in a can of root beer that was sitting next to it.  Root beer and red wine, not anything I will do again. Nasty.

I got to work and couldn’t find a lighter anywhere to light my candle, the relaxing CD I wanted to played was skipping and iTunes isn’t working.  I found Dark Side of the Moon on the floor (in it’s case),  so that is playing and I am still looking for a way to light this yummy candle.

I was going to do real work, but I decided to clean this mess of an office instead.

Here are some before shots.

View from door before
main real-work desk before
Home issues, other biz and art desk - before

Okay, now my Danskos just stared falling apart. Wow, I never thought that would happen.

I still have not found a lighter, I am heading home to let the dogs out, I will be back with a vacuum cleaner.

Okay, forgot the lighter at home, now going to finish cleaning up this mess.  If I can make something out of this day, anyone can.

Here are my “Afters.”   :)

from the door -after
Main work desk - after
home, other biz , art desk -after

I still have a lot to do but this took me all day.  It’s dark outside now. I will be working all day tomorrow on real work and final clean-up of this office.  Maybe then I won’t be so overwhelmed.  I’ll consolidate those post-its for sure ( have to put all those passwords & numbers somewhere- else) , and I’ll see how many document boxes I can store out of sight.

In the end , my lighter was on my desk under piles of papers, my candle was burning, and soft stoner music was playing.  Not so bad, it was a good day.

Peace everyone.  Enjoy your weekends.

Love What You Do, Even if You Dont.

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This is a tough one.  Once we decide we don’t like doing something, or maybe we decide we don’t like our boss or our job, we subconsciously sabotage ourselves.  Especially if we are in a position where we still need to do the work, or be around the people we disdain.

All the time you [I] spend disliking something, is time we never get back.  Plus all that negative energy is what we are feeding our own souls.  You would never feed platefuls of negativity to your dog.  Would you?  No way.   That would make for a very wounded pet and it’s just plain cruel.

Negative thoughts and the energy contained within those thoughts cause stress. This is something we all know.  And  stress sucks on so many levels, it’s even been tied to disease.

(When my children were little they weren’t allowed to use the word- “sucks” – now it’s commonplace….lol at myself)

Anyway, think of your emotions and attitudes as food and carefully choose what you want to eat for the day.  I would classify hatred and hostility as poison and anger as saturated animal fat.  On the flip side, happiness and love would an awesome organic salad with a tall glass of fresh homemade lemonade on a beautiful summer day.

You don’t have to change your desire to upgrade your situation.  Not at all.  But while you are stuck find the good, concentrate on that and keeping  looking for other options.

I once heard this saying, and I have no idea where, but I suggest you try it today.  If you find yourself facing a challenge do this:   Pretend that everything is easy.

One time my Daughter and I used this phrase, and we found ourselves laughing through the pain, because it wasn’t at all “easy.”  On that difficult day pretending made all the difference in the world. Cheers!

Tip: Your emotions are a bigger part of you than your physical body. In other words, you are what you think.

Inspiration:  “It doesn’t matter how long we may have been stuck in a sense of our limitations. If we go into a darkened room and turn on the light, it doesn’t matter if the room has been dark for a day, a week, or ten thousand years — we turn on the light and it is illuminated.  Once we control our capacityfor love and happiness, the light has been turned on.”~ Sharon Salzberg

One-day one-thing: Sort a box of “important” papers, the box you ignore because it’s so important.

How many journals does it take to screw in a light bulb?

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The answer: zero.

A brand new journal sat before me.  I longed to pour my heart out on the pages so that some day I could see where I had been and how deeply I felt.  I wanted nothing more than to fill my journals with beautiful words that would read like a novel.  I created images in my mind of sipping tea and peacefully writing by candlelight, no less.

I was delusional.

Journal-ing became huge when my children were in grade school.  They started at the third grade level and I thought it looked like a good idea.  So I attempted it.  I think my longest consecutive journal-ing lasted four days, tops.

When I was a kid, I was given a diary and told, “Never put anything in writing that will come back to bite you.”   Well that wasn’t any fun, so I wrote in code.  A code that means absolutely nothing to me now, pure gibberish.

What I carried forward into my adult life from that was fear.  The fear of putting things in writing.  My fear extended into me sharing very little, being secretive and guarding my thoughts.  I admit, I am a very private person.  But maybe it stems from the intense code of secrecy I was taught to live by. 

( in all honesty I never even considered that before writing this – that’s the light bulb here)

The really funny thing is no one really cares what someone else thinks or writes, especially when it’s in their journal hidden in a drawer under lock and key. So write to your hearts content, tell stories, write about your dreams, swear, use slang, forget grammer – it doesn’t matter at all.

I have collected all my partially filled journals.  I am not even going to read them.  I am letting go, yet again.  Letting go of one more belief that held me back.  It feels good.

Cheers!

Tip: Question authority.

Inspiration: “Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain’t goin’ away.” ~Elvis Presley

One-day one thing:  Sort old documents, letters and cards.  Paper clutter is among the worse, because it lingers and grows when you are not looking.

I am the 99%

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Typical media and political spin - Ridicule and discount the message.

I am the 99%.

And I am proud of each and every person who has taken their time to express themselves.  A message such as this would have gone nowhere if it wasn’t true.  Keep on keeping on.  They may not  listen but we will.  There is power in numbers and it’s about time we took our power back.  Here are some things you can do to support the people: we are the 99%.

1.) Donate food items to your local food banks.

2.) Donate winter coats and blankets to shelters.

3.) Foster a pet, who may have lost it’s home.

4.) Support local small business whenever you can.

5.) Send a message to the bank behemoths, by moving your money to a smaller local bank.

6.) Stop investing in the stock market.

7.) Write your congressmen.

8.) Register to vote.

9.) Support local movements.

10.) Drive less, use less gasoline.

11.) Show your support, yard signs, sticker whatever.

12.) Stop using your debit card and credit card.  Pay with cash.

13.) Don’t let yourself become silent. Do not allow yourself to be belittled.

Remember it’s all about the mighty dollar and your vote.  Don’t give in.  This peaceful movement is going exactly as Gandhi quote says:

“First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then

they fight you, then you win.”

Link: http://occupywallstreet.tumblr.com/

Link: http://occupywallst.org/

Faith in Not Knowing.

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Time to sort my situations.  Laugh out loud at myself.  I am tired of sorting.  I’m tired of stuff.

Anyway, there is a “situation” that I do not like.  Details aren’t important.  The facts are – I can’t change the situation.  It’s a downer, not the end of the world, but not good nonetheless.  The only relief I can get is two-fold:  first and foremost I can concentrate on being grateful, and the second part is that I have to believe that things aren’t working out how I would like right now, because something better is meant to be.

This is nothing short of a leap of faith.  Faith in what you ask?  I don’t have a clue.  I follow my own path of spirituality, and it doesn’t have a name.  It doesn’t have any symbols or holy days, it’s just my own faith.  It’s not based on anything in particular, except perhaps the unknown.

It has taken me a lifetime to develop my faith, and now I need it and I have it.  So whatever it is, I am good with it.

Anyway, this situation is going to try to get the best of me.   But I am going to step back away from it, and do things differently.  This time I am going to throw my hands to the air and say;  “I give.  I have done all I can, I’ve done my best.  This is out of my control, please take the reins.”

Yep. That’s my BIG plan.  The challenges are temporary and I have faith that good will come my way.  That’s all I can do and this is what I believe.

Me having faith, who knew?

Tip: Practice acceptance and know that it is different from agreeing.

Inspiration: ” All major religious traditions carry basically the same message, that is love, compassion and forgiveness the important thing is they should be part of our daily lives.”~ Dalai Lama

One-thing one-day: Be kind today, and if you are down pull someone else up.