sadness

didn’t make it pass day 3

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Little_Muslin_Voodoo_Doll_by_jazzy1453

So I didn’t make it pass day three of “May Cause Miracles.”  That’s right, it was so easy, I said.  A snap.  “I can do this!”

But life has a way of interrupting even the best of intentions.  I mean if all I had to do was to take care of myself, just me, no one else or no other creature, or no other anything, just maybe I could make it past day 3.  I don’t know.

I told myself I would catch up, or start over, I have not done either yet.  My plate of life is so full right now with……business issues, legal issues, my Mother is ill, my children aren’t settled, a house in disrepair, oh  and let’s not forget  the tax issues they just found from 2004!

There is even more than that, but that’s about all I care to put into writing.

I think I have done it all wrong.  I must have.  Everything. Wrong.  Since the beginning of my life I must have listened to the wrong people and taken in the wrong messages.  I don’t know how else I could have arrived at this place at this time.  Because how? Tell me how ?  One person can really want a better existence yet can’t ever figure out how to get it?

For the most part I have tried to do the right thing.  Even as a small child I knew not to belittle or mock others, I stood up for the underdog ALWAYS.  I would think, what would be best? What would be nice? What would be helpful?

Yet here I am, a struggling mess.

I can be sarcastic but only in fun.  You know a dry sense of humor….that alone shouldn’t have banished me to this place.

I eat healthy.  Food and weight isn’t my issue.   I do not long for material items.  I dont want or need the latest greatest anything.  I just want a simple peaceful life.

Maybe someone has a voodoo doll of me and they are sticking it with pins.  That’s about all I can figure, or I was a horrible person in another lifetime.   Oy Vey!  

Cheer!

Thirteen days of 2013

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This time of year is particularly hard for me.  Not to go into any depressing details, because I know everyone shares having events, both good and bad, that change the course of a life.

I, for some reason, can not get past what is no longer.  I am constantly reminded of the past.  Perhaps better times draw me in at first, yet inevitably terrifying times and less-than-good choices creep in my mind.  I used to be able to say I live with no regrets.  I am not so certain I can say that any longer.

thepast

The new year is supposed to be the time for fresh beginnings and new starts, only I am not feeling it this year.  Depressing right?  I know I am not alone, and I know it is temporary, but nonetheless is real.  I feel as if the good and the lightness of life is sitting dormant like the woods.

13

Right now my count is 13.  Thirteen days I have wasted away without making one single ounce of progress.  I quit on myself.  I slowed myself down to a crawl into a perpetual holding patterned of procrastination.

Even this post took some real effort on my part to actually write. (and I don’t care if  its good or bad. ) I had to write how I was feeling or I would just breakdown into nothing for another day.  (trying to avoid day #14)

In my front yard, behind the tangled bare branches of two maple trees, I can see a yellow house across the street.  I have nothing against this house.  However, in the summer I can’t see it.  It  is completely blocked by lush green foliage   It’s a depressing shade of yellow. Sun-bleached-sad from a constant west exposure, even that yellow house has had better days.

I have to stop!  I have to stop these thoughts that are feeding an existing “sadness path” in my brain.  This path was put there years ago and it’s a well traveled path.  I know I need to stop myself before I send those negative signals.  I have to replace them with new more positive signals.  I need to create new paths in my brain and start walking them.

I know what I have to do.  My problem: I find it difficult to do.

Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful and my life is good, well good enough.  It’s just some time a person feels low and these past 13 day that has been me.

Cheers!

Tip: Play music.  Listen to it whenever you feel yourself slipping into a bad place. Skip every single song until you find one that feeds your soul.

Inspiration: “The past does not equal the future.”-Tony Robbins

One-day one thing: Take a baby step.  Recognize that with every single step no matter of size, you create a path.

Not everything can be fixed

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Realizing this is difficult.  I would say, I must have thought I was super woman or something in the past because it never crossed my mind that some things are un-fixable.

At one point in my life,  I was looking at that broken egg on the ground.  I said, “That’s my last food, you broke my last food.”

That was so many years ago, it wasn’t my last food ever, but it was never fixed.  Because food in general was replaced, the brokenness of my last egg meant very little to me.  However, I never forgot the feeling of having nothing, and no way to fix it..

When you realize that somethings cant be fixed, it’s intensely realistic.  But being a mother as I have for 22 plus years now, you spend you entire life fixing things and making bad things better.  Then comes the day you can’t. You can’t fix it. You can’t make it better.

On that day little pieces of you die.

100,000 miles

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She lay lifeless in the medium.  Two people were standing over her without any expression, as if they themselves were not there.  Four cars scattered about in the snow covered grassy area separating the westbound from the eastbound traffic. A fifth car sat damaged on the far right shoulder of eastbound lanes.

It never occurred to me that I would see a dead person on my drive to NYC.  She had obviously been thrown from one of the vehicles. Her body was tangled on top the snow in an unnatural state.  I could tell she was dead from a distance.

Thoughts rushed through my head;  like if I had left 3 minutes earlier, I might have been in that accident. Or I bet they were just heading out to go shopping and in no shape or form did they expect this.  That poor woman, her family, her children, oh my God!  All because of a slippery road, an accident.  No one wanted this to happen.  No one.

It was the first snow of the season, and the roads had not been touched.  No salt, no plowing.  Actually there wasn’t enough snow to plow, but there was plenty to make it extremely slippery and dangerous driving.  It was awful.  As I continued on my way there were more fender benders, a  pick-up that had rolled-over, and another truck that lost it’s front wheel (not just the tire – the entire wheel) – it must have hit something with high impact.

My driving speed raged between 20 and 40 miles per hour,  I was considering turning around.  But little by little it cleared up, the roads improved and I was decidedly on my way.

Traffic was light until I hit the Delaware Gap, from there in it got worse, much worse.  Jill, my GPS voice,  is old out-dated.  She doesn’t know anything about the detours and construction before the Holland Tunnel.  By this time, it was dark, she directed me onto several side streets in Jersey City.    Surprisingly these streets were loaded, completely packed full, with Christmas lights. It was stunning.  Fast forward through the H-tunnel and Canal Street (both total chaotic messes) and I finally made my way to Brooklyn, arriving only one hour past my original ETA.

Today I cracked 100,000. miles on my Odyssey.  All miles that we put on the car.   We’ve never done that with any other car, so it’s an accomplishment of sorts. I knew it would happen on this trip.

However what remains is the snap shot of what I didn’t expect.  Except for the two people gazing over the body, each driver stood alone motionless next to their own cars.

In my head, they are all still standing there, frozen in time.

(Post note: I have been unable to verify any details of this accident, maybe she lived)

Alone

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We are all alone.

Even those of us in the best of situations are alone.  It’s scary.  No one really knows how you might feel at any given moment.  No one can see the years of pain and suffering inside, because in our society, and probably in every other society, people put on the “face.”  The face of happiness and contentment.

Even on the internet, people say things, they think will “read well” and won’t make them look like a jerk or like a pitiful sour person.  Which, may be exactly how someone is feeling at the time.  Facebook is notorious for this.  If an alien came down to earth and used Facebook to gauge human feelings, they’d ask to smoke what all the Facebook posters are smoking right away.  “I want what their having”

Life is hard for everyone, and if it isn’t hard for you now, it will be difficult sooner or later.  And that’s most often when you will find yourself: alone.  Just you and your thoughts.

On top of that, our society has painted a picture that being alone is bad.  Having it all, isn’t being alone.  Plus did you know everyone can have it all ? That is if they are rich, or thin, or beautiful or if they buy this or that.  Maybe if you had college degree, you would be a more worthy person, or if you drove a certain car people would respect you.  If you drink this beer, you can get laid.  If you shop at this store, she will love you.

We’ve also been conditioned from an early age to worship youth, which is ridiculous.  Insane even.  The one truth in a life span is aging.  Everyone ages it can not be stopped.  And we age alone.


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So it goes to reason after hearing these twisted messages from birth,  when you find yourself alone, you may feel depressed and lonely.

No one, no thing, nothing outside of yourself can make you whole.  No one can repair your sadness or erase your fears.  No God is going to swoop down and fix you, no secret angel has your back.  There is no magic.

The only thing you can do is stop waiting, and start growing your love.  Be kind to yourself.  Try to eliminate hateful and negative feelings, especially the ones you direct towards yourself.   To grow your love, start with yourself.

I am starting with me.  For my “new me resolution” ( which I have already started, because a calendar means nothing) I am attempting to totally redesign my life to eliminate all the falsehoods that I have grown up believing.  The only thing I know is real is love.  Love is  limitless and timeless, and it feels good and it makes me happy.  And if I am alone, which we all are, then I have to make my love grow.

So during this time of year which is heavily promoted as the best of all possible times for people who “have it all” or are trying to “get it all” –  if you find yourself alone, don’t sweat it, everyone is alone.

Focus on what is real; cultivate love, be generous with your love,  and appreciate any small miracles that follow.

_______________

Recommended reading: Return to Love

Holiday Lip Service

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It’s funny this time of year how people profess wishes for Peace on Earth, Joy to the World, and Love thy Neighbor and “There but for the Grace of God go I.”  Yet when push comes to shove, for many people all those sentiments seem to fly out the window without a shred of shame.

I, like the next person, falls into the trap of getting all caught up in my own life, and trying to get by and navigate some extremely tough terrain.  But I don’t have it that bad.  Uncomfortable, awkward, stressful, sure, but no one is trying to assault me, silence me (I take that back SOPA)  or kill me.  But I have been witnessing way too many things that I find so disturbing. I have to speak my mind.

When people cheered and applaud the record number of executions in Texas, I really wonder what has happened to people?  It made my stomach turn.  I lived in Texas.   Most people there are Christians.  Is that part of their belief system? To kill? Sister Helen Prejean would peacefully disagree.

And whether you agree or not with OWS – For centuries our soldiers have fought, been crippled, killed and tortured while fighting  to protect  the freedoms and rights of Americans to assemble peacefully and express their concerns. Young college students who were educated that peaceful demonstration was a civil right in America, were pepper-sprayed close range as if they were cockroaches.  And that’s okay?

homeless family lives in car - click photo for story

Gingrich says to OWS: ” Go get a job right after you take a bath” and the crowd enthusiastically applauds.  Last time I checked unemployment was one of the major problems in our economy.  Taking a bath gets you a job?  Does taking a bath and getting a job take corporate money out of politics?  Does it remedy the foreclosure crises that is killing entire neighborhoods? Does it fix the healthcare cluster-f*ck?  No it doesn’t.

On a main street scale; look at behavior on Black Friday. I mean seriously, how can anyone think Americans are a people with any character, dignity or integrity? Add in the ongoing of reports of adults at children’s sporting events getting into fist fights?  I’ll never forget the father who was beaten to death on the ice in front of his family at a children’s hockey game.  Let’s also remember the child predators who were free to abuse over and over again – or the many people over the years who turned a blind eye to the sexual assaults on vulnerable children.

And PLEASE watch this video about bullying in our towns and schools.

The unbelievable decline of civility and basic decency in our society is chilling.