letting go

Mexican Squirt, listen and stop

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listen

Around the corner from where I live there is this Mexican Grocery store.  And right now I am enjoying a Mexican Squirt.  That’s Squirt made with pure cane sugar.  No high-fructose corn syrup in it and it is delicious.   I enjoyed being in the market.  The store clerk was friendly, ask me if it was my first time there, it wasn’t.  He was super kind.

They sell all types of peppers, homemade salsa, they even prepare fresh tacos during lunch hour, and they also sell cacti.  How do you even prepare cactus? I don’t know, but while I was there I felt like I was worlds away. Away from the normal unrelenting drone of this American life.  Yet, I was less than one mile from my house.

The point here is – I think I am suffering from too much.  Too much of everything.  Seeing too much, hearing too much.  Owning too much, and feeling too much.  Thinking too much.  Worrying too much.  I am officially on overload.

I need to shut it all off.  I need to shut it all down.  I need to try not to notice.  I need to listen.

I need to listen to that voice inside that has been screaming at me – STOP!

So today I stop.  I am really going to stop tomorrow,  I don’t know exactly what I will do, but it wont require me to worry, to think, or to rush here or there.

I am officially in the stop mode.  I don’t care if I don’t know how to be  a miracle worker right now…..I am stop mode.  If I don’t learn how to meditate this week, so what?

I already feel better just saying I am in “stop mode.”  Seems silly but it appears to be helping me.

I hope you can STOP also…..it’s awesome and I just started a few minutes ago. I guess it doesn’t take 40 day to stop.

Cheers!

Waiting

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Waiting is hard.

Have you ever found yourself waiting and getting irate, grumpy or even snippy. It’s all a waste of your time life. You end up hurting those around you and also making everyone miserable including yourself.

Right now we are still waiting on our final contract to buy this house Project1923. We have signed everything but they made one error on the original, and boom everything stopped. One box was checked incorrectly. I could finish that correction in a nano second, but we are dealing with people who have thousands of these deals hitting their desks everyday. We dealing indirectly with Freddie Mac, they own the majority of the foreclosures. The banks just unload those properties to the government. We were warned. Everybody told us that it’s nearly impossible to deal with them.

Before we notice that incorrectly checked box, we were working at rapid speed. They “required” a 24 hour turn around from us, and we gave it to them. Unfortunately, they made a mistake. And now we wait. They have to correct it, and send it to us. Whenever they get to it.

Tick tock. Tick tock.

This is were I am working really hard at patience. I try not to think about it. I just tell myself everything will be okay. And actually to my own surprise I am not at all concerned or worried. I think time and life events have beat me into submission. I can recall so many instances waiting. Usually waiting for something so important that I could not sleep or eat. And now, I don’t give it much thought.

Why? you ask. Because I can not do a damn thing to change it. I couldn’t change any of my previous “waits” either.

This is one of the many keys to life. I would classify this as a big huge key to life. I am not an alcoholic but AA sure has it covered with that “Serenity Prayer” they quote.

So let it go if you can not control it. As you practice this habit of letting go over time you will come to the realization there is very little in life you actually control. That is, except your very own peace of mind. Think about it. Then live it.

I guarantee you will love it.

Cheers!

Tip: Practice being the person who doesn’t make sour faces while waiting in line, smile instead.

Inspiration:” Gratitude is one of the sweet shortcuts to finding peace of mind and happiness inside. No matter what is going on outside of us, there’s always something we could be grateful for.”- Barry Neil Kaufman

One day – one thing: Patrice breathing at stop lights; count to 2 as you inhale- to 4 as you exhale, and increase as you are able.

Mean people

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For life of me I do not understand mean people.  I know what bitchy is, and I know what angry is and I am fine with both those in limited quantities.  I mean that’s just part of human nature.  Who among us hasn’t had a bad day? But mean is something I will never comprehend.

I am getting a first hand lesson in the power of mean.  But I have also realized that I can take away that power of mean simply by stepping outside my feelings and observing as if I were a third party. Let me tell you what I have seen as that third party.

I have seen the depth of despair and confusion in the eyes of the mean person.  I have witness someone out of control, unable to stop themselves long enough to find the right words.  I have seen the face of hate.  In their state of meanness, which to me is void of all love, they scan their brains quickly taunting me to engage.  But I don’t.  I have learned to step outside of myself, and observe.  It’s a weird position, and quite new to me.  In the past I would definitely shoot back and lose no matter what.  No one ever wins in “mean.”

It’s shocking to me, because now I see it so clearly.  Before now I would engage and not be able to think straight.

I don’t want someone in my life that treats me poorly.  I don’t want someone in my life that holds anger and hostilities towards me.  For whatever reasons, unknown to me, I am the one that receives what ever sh*t they want to throw.   I have even received the silent treatment, which is hysterical to watch from afar, as if I care to talk to someone so mean.

Mean people don’t seem to know about love.  They just don’t.  They don’t know how to show it, give it, receive it or feel it.  They may have read about it but it’s just not in their nature.  Unless they chose to learn about it and change their core beliefs, they will continue to live on with the weight of bitterness, hate and anger baring down on their souls. I don’t even think they know they are missing out on anything.

You see it’s not about making points, or winning an argument, it’s all about what you want in your life.  A cold loveless existence just isn’t for me.  As I declutter I am purging my thoughts that someone else will ever change.

Instead I have changed.  I have changed by not taking in the hostility anymore. I find this approach both powerful and liberating.  Any sadness I held for what could have been is gone.   I have throw away all my “could-have-been(s).”

Cheers!

Here is a more in depth look at “How to Combat Emotional Warfare and Root Out the Manipulative, Abusive People in Your Life” (this article showed up in my email just now-weird)

Tip: Learn to protect yourself;  just walk away if someone is treating you unkindly.

Inspiration: “Anger and intolerance are the enemies of correct understanding.”- Mohandas K. Gandhi

One-day one -thing: Stop thinking about what could-have-been.

Happy Birthday Batman!

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Today is one of my dog’s 9th birthday. Batman is nine. He is a gentle soul, a loyal buddy, and his is big fluffy and hug-able.

He has his faults, as we all do. He has a weakness for cats and not in a good way, but other than that no one could ask for a better dog. I have a photo of him when he was just a puppy with my entire family. Now I can tell how old we are were in the photo, because before I couldn’t quite peg it by sight alone. My children were 10,12, and 13 in that photo, it was taken during spring soccer season, right before my youngest turned 11.

Batman and my youngest son 9 years ago

The photo is somewhere in all my stuff that was shuffled out of our home while we dealt with the nastiness of the recession.

Our “situation”, it doesn’t change quickly because what some people don’t seem to realize is when all the work is done and you are out of the house the rebuilding starts and that takes time, a lot of time. On the contrary, nine years just flew by when I was living a normal life. Now time seem to seep away slowly as if I have a tiny leak in my soul.

I have stopped expecting anything good to ever happen, or even wishing or hoping. Too many tremendous let downs recently. I am making it through each day but I barely feel like I am here, but I know I am here because I can’t get away.

I am thinking about my escape, and I am thinking real hard, because what I am doing right now isn’t cutting it. It may be unconventional, but I am going to fix this so that I can stand the “situation” until we find a house.

Right now we are waiting to hear back on the 5th house that we have bid on. I quit looking at photos of the home, because I have really talked myself into liking this one. It ended up with multiples. Funny how that’s now happen twice with this same lister. Any time there are multiples, someone appears to get an inside tip as to what the amount needs to be offered to win – we never win. I personally think it’s like insider trading and it’s a huge scam.

In any case, one way or another, I am existing in this temporary situation. It’s temporary. It’s temporary. It’s not a healthy living environment for me or my animals. Temporary has now become too long.

Happy Birthday Batman, I love you.

I have left this environment two other times in my lifetime; once when I alone and single, and once with my entire family cutting a holiday visit short. Always because of the same reason.

Why in the world did I think that it would be any different this time?

Tip: Forgive people, but don’t forgive so much that you forget what you had to forgive, or it might just happen again.

Inspiration:

Even after all this time,
The sun never says to the earth,
“You owe me.”
Look what happens with
A love like that.
It lights the whole sky.

– Hafiz of Persia

One-day one-thing: Learning what I already knew.

Reasons

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Are there reasons for everything?

I think there must be, because that is the only thing that makes sense out of a senseless situation. I am not going to whine about what happened today, but I will quote words that were spoken to me in the most hateful tone.

“I don’t need you.”

What do I learn from this, well the first thing I learned is that I better ask if that is really what she said to make sure I didn’t misinterpret anything. “Did you just say ‘you don’t need me’ ?” Well that is what she said. She hasn’t said a word to me since, and I have no plans in speaking to anyone who said such a hateful thing to their own child.

What I have learned from this is the following:

1. Not everyone has the same understanding of love and family.

2. Not everyone is cut out to be a mother.

3. Some people are actually sociopaths, they really do exist, and it’s possible to be related to one.

The mere thought of telling any of my children that, “I don’t need them” would never ever even enter my mind. It is a completely foreign thought to me.

I would literally stand in front of a bullet for my children. I would, and have, done everything in my limited power to protect them, support them, and to help them and love them. I would die for them. I would die without them. I need them like I need oxygen. They are most amazing blessings and loves in my life.

Needless to say I am blown away- blown away.

I realize now how uniquely special true love is. I am fortunate to have a loving husband and three wonderful children. I recognize just how solid, even with our many faults, my family is. Even through rough, super rough times, we are still a “loving” family and I believe we will be for many years to come.

It makes me sad to think that some people live in such a loveless manner. But it’s no longer something I will seek to change or even try to understand. I don’t have the time for such nonsense.

I have a life to live.

Cheers!

Tip: If you give up on yourself once in awhile, that’s okay, it’s only temporary. You decide when to stop giving up on yourself. Work through your issues and you’ll find out everything is going to be okay.

Inspiration: ” Truth resides in every human heart, and one has to search for it there, and to be guided by truth as one sees it. But no one has a right to coerce others to act according to his own view of truth.” – Mohandas K. Gandhi

One-day one-thing: Let it go – for real this time -breathe in freedom.

It’s Not about Money

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Don’t get me wrong , it’s about money to some extent but not the way you’d think.

It’s about assholes, and the people who raise them.  Doesn’t matter whether we are rich or if we are down on our luck the treatment we receive is no different.  And be aware that it’s not just me, and my family, who is on the receiving end of the  non-compassionate, lack of caring mocking bullshit.  Anyone they see as beneath them or who challenges them is fair game.  I won’t even repeat what they think of poor people in the inner city, or even worse liberals.

(I am very liberal, therefore I am basically unintelligent scum of the earth.)

One of them put up a news clipping on my mother’s refrigerator that was photo-copied from an ancient article.  It explains “Smart.”  It’s important for these people to see themselves as smart.  It also lists the percentages of people who are “retarded.”  Retarded!  That word hasn’t been used for decades.  And this is what they think is important enough to put on their refrigerator.

It’s been there for a couple years and it’s right next to our family photo.  Nice.

I’d like to believe that they are all sociopaths, because then it would provide a concrete explanation as to why these people show zero empathy and zero compassion for anyone but themselves.  When dealing with outsiders they make everything look wonderful, like Dexter (on SHO),exactly like Dexter (without the killing).

I don’t interact with them any longer.  Bare minimum of conversations, if any.  Not every ridiculous comment they make warrants a response.  At first when I stopped responding,  it got a little worse, now there’s just underlying seething.   Which isn’t pleasant, but it’s temporary.

There is something so deeply wrong that I can not begin to understand it.  But I did what every child does, I went overboard in kindness, generosity and thoughtfulness to try to win love.

This year I stopped.  Mind you I am a grown up with children of my own, yet it took me this long to catch on.

This is my last post on this, (even though may prove difficult for me but I am going to try.) I know they are never going to change.

I really have to let it go-0r I will go completely mad.

Tip: Let it go.

Inspiration: ” Life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you only spend it once.” ~ Lillian Dickson

One-day one-thing: Let it go

When to Stop

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I don’t consider myself a type A personality, however I have tendencies to believe if I keep going at something I will get whatever it is I am after.  It’s a fleeting and temporary strong drive.  Which is really quite contrary to my reality.  On one hand I get super focused and all I can do is related to what I am thinking about at the time.  I tell myself, “don’t quit.”  keep trying, sometime will work out.   And then on the other hand,  all the previously POMs (projects of the moment) take back seat and don’t get accomplished and some even fall off the radar screen entirely.

She can't stop.

Yesterday was different.  It was my “free’ day to accomplish so many things, but I got side tracked by the house hunt.  That is a lot of work.  I am not a realtor, but I have access to all the tools on-line, and I actually do the work my Realtor should be doing.  Including the mapping, driving and researching all these homes.  It was another full day of disappointments.

One of the houses I considered had a price increase of 15k by the time I returned from looking at it.  ( second house I have looked at with a price increase)  Eff that.   It’s such bull sh*t, the entire real estate process is bull sh*t. (sorry for my language)

When I got back from our second round of looking, I hopped right back on the computer to search some more.  I was obsessed. And it didn’t make me happy.  I started thinking this isn’t working.  Some pretty little glitter fairly was tapping hitting me on the head, sending a message – “stop.”

Stop.  It’s a word I rarely use, unless I am talking to my animals, and even then I don’t say it enough.  We all know that “quitters never win, and winner never quit.”  Ugh.  Talk about ideas engrained in the brain.

But I am going to stop.  I am.  I blew my free day, and now I have more to do on my work days.  My commitment to finding a home was causing stress.  It was beginning to make me sad and slowly fueling resentment.  This is why I chose to stop.

I am falling back on the comics power(s), and letting it,( them?) bring the right house to me.  This is somewhat of a foreign concept to me, except in regards to parking spaces, but it’s what I have to do.  I’m letting go, surrendering and stopping.

I am proud of my new found ability to recognize what I was doing to myself mentally prior to an actual meltdown. This is great progress.

I would buy this awesome container to live in rather than any of house I've seen.

How will you recognize when it’s time to stop?  I don’t have a answer for everyone.  I barely have one for myself.  The only thing I know for sure is;  if you feel yourself becoming anxious, worried, and hopeless – STOP whatever you are doing.  Just stop.

The earth will keep turning, the sun will continue to rise and set as it should and you will still breathe.  Cheers!

Tip: Dreams and goals have to be in balance with your life in total.

Inspiration: ” I love deadlines.  I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.”  ~Douglas Adams

One-day one-thing: Sort winter clothing including outer wear, gloves, hats and mittens. Donate to shelters before the first snow. :)

Holding On but Wanting Change.

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I lost an entire post I wrote on my phone late last night.   I was in bed, writing on my iPhone.  I hate writing on that tiny thing.  (Thus the reason for my enormous laptop.)

When I was awake and writing, nothing I wrote made sense.  It all lacked purpose and focus.  I was getting very frustrated.  That’s when I asked my husband what should I write about?  He answered, “Write about losing the house.”

I said,” No. I’ve already whined about that enough.”

He said, “Well you haven’t stopped around me.”

Sigh.  He was right.  I have been moaning and putting myself down because I knew in my gut that we should have bid higher, but instead I listened to someone else.

He surprised me when he said,” You need to figure out why you can’t let it go. Is there something subconsciously stopping you for moving forward?  We can’t change the past.  We’ll never get another house because in your eyes nothing will ever be as good as the “one that got away.”  So maybe there something inside [you] that is causing you to close your mind.  I’m not saying there is, but it’s worth a look.”

Well, how nice, I thought to myself.  I took what he said to heart and really tried to figure it out.  I couldn’t think of anything except that maybe I no longer trusted my instincts.  But that wasn’t it.  So I went to bed with my phone.

(don’t sleep with your phone if you want restful sleep )

I was half  asleep when a light bulb in my head switch on.   That’s it, I figured it out!

The house that got away, was perfect.  It had a place for every one and a place for every thing.  It felt like it was ours.  I confessed I had already seen myself moving heavy sand stone and prepping the garden.  I visualize all of us there this holiday season, with candles glowing while we lazed around in pjs.  Cozy and comfortable.  Even my old furniture would fit.  It was going to be just like home.  There in lies the issue, I loved this place so much because basically the only real change would have been our zip code.  The familiarity and the easy comfort fiercely drew me in and wouldn’t let me go.  It was as though this new house would cause losing our old home, and everything we went through, to seamlessly disappear.

Snap back to reality.

I remember when we lost our home, we decided that we would take this as an opportunity to re-scuplt and redesign our lives.  I decided to have less stuff and focus more on living.  My journey to living better with less began.  I still want that and I am making progress but the final destination is under construction.  What form it will eventually take on is completely unknown at this point.  I recognized that this perfect house wasn’t anything new, it didn’t really fit anywhere within the changing our lives category.

Have you ever thought you wanted to change something but it never happens?  Could it be because you are holding on to old beliefs and ideas?  Are you limiting yourself by staying in a comfort zone?  Do you have trouble letting go?  Are you afraid of taking risks?

I can tell you this has really hit home for me on many levels.  All the be the change you want to see and /or want to be can’t happen if we [I] continue to hold onto old ideas and beliefs.  If  “comfort” and “familiarity” take over there won’t be any room left for change, adventure, and risk.  No matter what the issue;  job, relationships, losing weight, quitting smoking or starting your own business.  You can’t begin to change yourself until you let go of your old self.

this is a clue

You’ll know I’m crazy when I tell you I think we found “it.”  Without even seeing this new place in person, I am thinking it is the one for us.  Insane, I know.  It’s risky and different.  It’s exciting and unexpected. I guess I’m a *hopeless-optimists. (*that is when I’m not sad)

Maybe it’s the alignment of the stars, or the yoga, but I feel more grounded, more in touch with what change really means.

I ‘ll keep you posted.  Cheers!

Tip: Have faith in yourself,  if you fail, try a different way.

Inspiration: ” The price of doing the same old thing is far higher than the price of change.”~ Bill Clinton

One-day one-thing:  Eat a healthy salad for dinner. :)

Re-wire your brain – light up your life.

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It’s time.  This time, not next time, right now and right where ever you are.

(Please know I am addressing myself as well.)

No more excuses. Change your mind and change your life.  Decide today that you are worth taking care of.  Believe that there is nothing more important that taking care of yourself.   Other people do it.  We look at them in awe.  We question how do they do it? Sometimes we get jealous.  Maybe we claim they don’t have troubles, or they are younger, healthier, or they are rich, or they don’t have to work so they have the time. Over and over again we convince ourselves that they can have it all, because of something they have that we don’t.

Each time we make any excuse as to why we are not living our best life we are bullshitting ourselves – every single time.

I have no room to talk.  I am right there with everyone. I have attempted so many times to get my sh*t together that I have all the tips embossed into my gray matter.  Those tips, and they are good ones,  didn’t help me at all.  You know why?  Because I never followed through with what they said. I would read self help books up to about page 30.  You wouldn’t believe how many of these books I donated in my de-cluttering.  I had to remove all the pathetic book marks. I never stuck with anything long enough to get to the point where I knew I was living my best life.

More importantly MOST importantly, I never cleared out all the other toxic beliefs, grudges, and negatives in my heart and mind.  You have to have an open mind, that’s true.  I had an open mind.  What I didn’t have was any extra room in my mind.  You have to have a clean slate, or at least some free space in your head where new ideas can begin to live and grow.

It’s somewhat like a chalk board. Try this:

Fill a chalk board with every thing that you have issues with, and things that makes you angry, and people who have  hurt your feelings.  Write down the negative things you say to yourself.  Right down every regret you have.  Write down any and all shame you carry.  Write down the reasons you don’t exercise or eat right. Write down names of people who screwed you, or lied to you. I think you get the point.

Now step back.  Look at that mess. There’s no room for anything else.  Your board is full.  Full of sh*t.

It’s time to erase that nasty chalkboard.  Everything you wrote down doesn’t matter.  Erase it. It just doesn’t do you any good, in fact every day you keep it on your board (in your brain), you suffer.

This can be a long painful process, but at a certain point in time you will reach a tipping point where, letting go of the ugly past/present becomes easier.  You may even wonder why you didn’t do all this sooner, don’t worry that’s normal.  Here are four simple things you can do this weekend to start re-wiring your brain.

1. Don’t gossip:  It can be a habit.  Just stop it.  It is negative energy that saps you of positive emotions. It’s not nice and it attracts people who are not nice.

2. Compliment yourself: Acknowledge something that you do or did well.  Be proud of it.  It can be anything, even something as simple as cleaning out a cat box.  Just say to yourself, “That was nasty but I did a good job of cleaning it and now it’s done, the cats will be happy.”

3. Be grateful: Every day express gratitude, and recall that gratitude throughout the day.  Key word “express.”  Let someone ( even yourself) know you are grateful.

4. Stop complaining: Cold turkey on this one.  If you can’t say something nice stay silent.

This is only a start. I don’t know if this will work for anyone else, but I have used these four things and they have helped me.

I am working on changing my mental wiring, my life.  I am starting to actually see a difference.  It feels good.  My old issues, they are still there, but they have no power less influence over my thoughts and my decisions.  Letting go doesn’t make things disappear, it just means  you are no longer holding on to them.

Be conscientious of these four simple things for the entire weekend, what do you have to lose?   Happy Friday. Cheers- I love Fridays!

And if you really want to enjoy your weekend try Sunday, simply.

Tip: Don’t be hard on yourself, stop talking yourself down.

Inspiration:

This is my goal in life.


One-day one-thing: Set one realistic goal to accomplish this weekend and do it.

How many journals does it take to screw in a light bulb?

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The answer: zero.

A brand new journal sat before me.  I longed to pour my heart out on the pages so that some day I could see where I had been and how deeply I felt.  I wanted nothing more than to fill my journals with beautiful words that would read like a novel.  I created images in my mind of sipping tea and peacefully writing by candlelight, no less.

I was delusional.

Journal-ing became huge when my children were in grade school.  They started at the third grade level and I thought it looked like a good idea.  So I attempted it.  I think my longest consecutive journal-ing lasted four days, tops.

When I was a kid, I was given a diary and told, “Never put anything in writing that will come back to bite you.”   Well that wasn’t any fun, so I wrote in code.  A code that means absolutely nothing to me now, pure gibberish.

What I carried forward into my adult life from that was fear.  The fear of putting things in writing.  My fear extended into me sharing very little, being secretive and guarding my thoughts.  I admit, I am a very private person.  But maybe it stems from the intense code of secrecy I was taught to live by. 

( in all honesty I never even considered that before writing this – that’s the light bulb here)

The really funny thing is no one really cares what someone else thinks or writes, especially when it’s in their journal hidden in a drawer under lock and key. So write to your hearts content, tell stories, write about your dreams, swear, use slang, forget grammer – it doesn’t matter at all.

I have collected all my partially filled journals.  I am not even going to read them.  I am letting go, yet again.  Letting go of one more belief that held me back.  It feels good.

Cheers!

Tip: Question authority.

Inspiration: “Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain’t goin’ away.” ~Elvis Presley

One-day one thing:  Sort old documents, letters and cards.  Paper clutter is among the worse, because it lingers and grows when you are not looking.