This is not my Beautiful House.

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Kiwi salsa! That’s all I can think about since the day I saw it.  Well, that is only half true.  When I see it, besides looking incredible,  it reminds me of what I have not done. I haven’t even made my green drink (ginger cucumber etc) yet.  The recipe sits on my home desk.  It’s not even in my “book” yet.  I am hoarding again, but now it’s recipes.

Look at this – isn’t it glorious?

click photo for recipe

Procrastination and excuses, I have a million.  But why?  Do you procrastinate?  Do you make excuses?  Why do we do this?

Somewhere in my head I think when we get our house, and have our few things, that’s when everything will come together.  I don’t think it’s uncommon to say “when this happens” then everything will be right.  But that is so not right. When this happens,”xyz” -then I’ll be able to do “abc.”  This is the motto of doom. And it’s how I have been thinking lately.

I am reading, “Does the Noise in my Head Bother You?”  And it doesn’t bother me.  Did you know his fashion style is inspired by Janis Joplin? I love read about other real people, people I find interesting.  People with spirit.  I don’t care that he is famous, and wealthy. His story so far isn’t about that.  His childhood was very different than mine. I don’t think he waited even once, for anything.

I am starting to believe when you are raised in pretentious (pretentious by Cleveland standards) suburbs, that you lack a certain sense of urgency.  Nothing changes much, people don’t move away or move in.  Life goes on and change is rare within the bubble.  Social expectations are basically written in stone at every level, and at every possible turn.  Gossip and keeping up with the Jones’s is the main stay diet.  I subscribe to neither ( never did gossip), which puts me in the category as inconsequential: weird,  odd-ball, and a target for gossip.

I have been told, by someone that, “People like you, you just don’t like them.”  What a load of crap. I’ve been told, “You expect too much out of people.”  So am I supposed to lower my expectations?  I expect nothing out of people who are mean, how much lower can I go?  I beleive it’s important to have some sort of gauge when deciding who you want in your life.  Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

I don’t follow the suburban handbook.  So obviously, I cause my own issues when I may disagree, or stand up publicly to what is wrong.  Oops.

Go, do whatever, here's your green light.

The kicker is by the time you realize what has happened you are “in” very deep. You may end up writing you thoughts on a blog just to keep convincing yourself, that everyone isn’t the same, and this isn’t better than that. And I do have every right to think what I like, and I know how to pick my friends.

I feel stifled. As if change isn’t possible for me here.  So I shut down.  Rationally I know this isn’t true, but mentally I feel the oppression.

I don’t know what would have happened to me if I never left.  I can’t imagine what I might believe right now. Unfortunately, what is truly haunting me now is what would have happened if I didn’t come back?

“My God what have I done? “

(ironic side-note David Byrne married a woman who was raised in my hometown)

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