Holding On but Wanting Change.

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I lost an entire post I wrote on my phone late last night.   I was in bed, writing on my iPhone.  I hate writing on that tiny thing.  (Thus the reason for my enormous laptop.)

When I was awake and writing, nothing I wrote made sense.  It all lacked purpose and focus.  I was getting very frustrated.  That’s when I asked my husband what should I write about?  He answered, “Write about losing the house.”

I said,” No. I’ve already whined about that enough.”

He said, “Well you haven’t stopped around me.”

Sigh.  He was right.  I have been moaning and putting myself down because I knew in my gut that we should have bid higher, but instead I listened to someone else.

He surprised me when he said,” You need to figure out why you can’t let it go. Is there something subconsciously stopping you for moving forward?  We can’t change the past.  We’ll never get another house because in your eyes nothing will ever be as good as the “one that got away.”  So maybe there something inside [you] that is causing you to close your mind.  I’m not saying there is, but it’s worth a look.”

Well, how nice, I thought to myself.  I took what he said to heart and really tried to figure it out.  I couldn’t think of anything except that maybe I no longer trusted my instincts.  But that wasn’t it.  So I went to bed with my phone.

(don’t sleep with your phone if you want restful sleep )

I was half  asleep when a light bulb in my head switch on.   That’s it, I figured it out!

The house that got away, was perfect.  It had a place for every one and a place for every thing.  It felt like it was ours.  I confessed I had already seen myself moving heavy sand stone and prepping the garden.  I visualize all of us there this holiday season, with candles glowing while we lazed around in pjs.  Cozy and comfortable.  Even my old furniture would fit.  It was going to be just like home.  There in lies the issue, I loved this place so much because basically the only real change would have been our zip code.  The familiarity and the easy comfort fiercely drew me in and wouldn’t let me go.  It was as though this new house would cause losing our old home, and everything we went through, to seamlessly disappear.

Snap back to reality.

I remember when we lost our home, we decided that we would take this as an opportunity to re-scuplt and redesign our lives.  I decided to have less stuff and focus more on living.  My journey to living better with less began.  I still want that and I am making progress but the final destination is under construction.  What form it will eventually take on is completely unknown at this point.  I recognized that this perfect house wasn’t anything new, it didn’t really fit anywhere within the changing our lives category.

Have you ever thought you wanted to change something but it never happens?  Could it be because you are holding on to old beliefs and ideas?  Are you limiting yourself by staying in a comfort zone?  Do you have trouble letting go?  Are you afraid of taking risks?

I can tell you this has really hit home for me on many levels.  All the be the change you want to see and /or want to be can’t happen if we [I] continue to hold onto old ideas and beliefs.  If  “comfort” and “familiarity” take over there won’t be any room left for change, adventure, and risk.  No matter what the issue;  job, relationships, losing weight, quitting smoking or starting your own business.  You can’t begin to change yourself until you let go of your old self.

this is a clue

You’ll know I’m crazy when I tell you I think we found “it.”  Without even seeing this new place in person, I am thinking it is the one for us.  Insane, I know.  It’s risky and different.  It’s exciting and unexpected. I guess I’m a *hopeless-optimists. (*that is when I’m not sad)

Maybe it’s the alignment of the stars, or the yoga, but I feel more grounded, more in touch with what change really means.

I ‘ll keep you posted.  Cheers!

Tip: Have faith in yourself,  if you fail, try a different way.

Inspiration: ” The price of doing the same old thing is far higher than the price of change.”~ Bill Clinton

One-day one-thing:  Eat a healthy salad for dinner. :)

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