My Elevens

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I, like many other people find themselves always seeing a digital clock that says 11:11.  It’s uncanny for me. It can happen when a clock isn’t even set to the proper time.  Sh*t happens in my life and then I look at the clock and say, “Guess what time it is? 11:11 again.”  This doesn’t happen to anyone else in my immediate family, just me.

Today is the grand day 11:11:11, and I was told to go buy 11 lottery tickets or something to that effect.  I don’t know, the way my luck has gone recently I am not sure I even want to do that.

This is what I know for sure.  My greatest luck steams from my greatest love, my Husband.  When we got married, we didn’t know if we would ever be able to have children.   I vividly remember stopping for a margarita, and tears welling up in my eyes telling my husband, “I’m never going to get pregnant.”  I shouldn’t have been drinking because I was already pregnant.   We had no idea that the next two would arrive on their own.  Which was pretty much immediately after our first was born.  They are called Irish triplets, three babies born in less that three years.

When I was twelve or thirteen I was in a huge car accident.  Last thing I remember as the orange Chevy Nova with black stripes rolled over was the interior dome light, it was white with a flower pattern, I can still see it clearly.  I have been in five six car accidents total, three fender benders and three very major.  When I was about twenty I completely totaled a car.  The cop that drove me 15 miles to the hospital stayed in the waiting room.  He asked if I was sure I was okay, and then asked me out.  I was too stupid and self absorbed to even consider how incredibly caring and kind he was.  I was young and naive, I thought everyone in the world was thoughtful, nice and kind.  He said it was a miracle I was still alive.  I had no clue until days later when I actually saw the car.

I’ve got a million of these stories.  They all live in my past.  Some aren’t so happy and some hurt a lot.  I struggle with my past like everyone else, yet I also know how blessed I am.  How do I balance this?  I have hurts that I can recognize for what they are.  I know that I can’t change them, but the hurt lingers deep down in at my core.  I don’t dwell on these hurts anymore, thank God I am past that stage.  But to be quite honest I thought that if I didn’t think about them, or dwell on them,  they would vanish.  That’s not how it works, folks.

They are part of me.   All the scars, physical and emotional, all the lines in my face and everything else you can’t see is what make me; me.  The same goes for you.  You are a total of your thoughts and all your experiences, the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful up until this very point in time.

The cynical side of me says, I guess this just means; that which doesn’t kill you make you “not-dead.”  The better side of me says, I am so fortunate and so grateful and everything that has happened brought me to who I am now.

Moving forward should be a cake walk.  It seems obvious to me that we should concentrate on making every experience as positive as humanly possible.  This would build more of the beautiful and good inside and less of the bad and ugly.  Makes perfect sense. Right? Right.

I'm not crying, it's raining.

BUT – I got hurt yesterday emotionally.  Words were said that hurt me at my core.  I let those words in.  I couldn’t brush it off.   Even when I was angry inside, I was aware.  I told myself , this isn’t good for me let it go.  I rattled off unkind words (f-bombs uncut) when driving alone in my car, and kept telling myself to stop.  I felt out of control.  I was so hurt, in tears, in shock and really angry.

Truth is I am not powerless and either are you.  I handled the situation incorrectly.  I should know by now, that this person will take any opportunity to hurt me rather than help me.  I  should be alerted by a  warning signal when this person opens their mouth. ( Is there an app for that? )

What I should have done was laugh out loud and say something like, ” Now, you’re just talking crazy talk” or “You’ve got to be joking” and left it at that.  Or better yet, I should have ignore it all together and walked away. I really should have walked away without speaking.

But I couldn’t leave it alone, I  asked “What did you say?! what did you say?! I’d  like you to say that to my children!”  I  slammed the door as I left.  I was train wreck.

I hope this time is the last time I have to learn this same old lesson. Big heavy sigh.

Anyway that was yesterday.  Today is  Friday.  The best Friday ever 11-11-11 and I am about to win 11 million dollars.  Cheers!

Tip: When someone kicks you when you are down do not respond, just walk away.

Inspiration: “You are what you think … geez, that’s frightening.” ~ Lily Tomlin

One-day one-thing: Splurge.  Do something for yourself.

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