Small Town Blues

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The last few attempts at writing a post have me lost.  Here are the various titles:

Am I the only one?

It’s a small world.

Get a life.

Down day.

I can’t get a coherent thought on to the screen.  Because I am so perplex as to why I find it so difficult to live my life by my own rules, and beliefs.   I mean I do for the most part, but there are always these interruptions, when someone has to drop a boatload of judgment on me, in what I feel is the most condescending way.

My rules: don’t engage, get away from the conversation, change the topic.  But what did I do today?  I failed at my own rules.

I tried to explain the way I thought.  I was hoping for a sliver of understanding.  What I got was dismissive, and basically a statement saying I am weird, no one else is like that,  and it ( whatever the f*ck “it” is) is my fault.

So when I say this journey was going to teach me something it has.  And here’s my lesson for today: All of the reasons I left town nearly thirty years ago are still here alive and well.  Small towns thrive on gossip and it’s totally acceptable.

There’s a strong overcast of judgmental gossip about people I don’t even remember and I really don’t have any interest in it.   I mean seriously, I have moved on.  I don’t care.    I wish no one ill will, but I also don’t want to hear random bullsh*t about various people when I haven’t even seen them or talked with them  since I was eighteen years old.

Today I was the gossip topic for two other people.  One was on the phone here and the other had called.  I heard my mother lie about where I lived and continue to talk about my children.  Like it’s this person’s business.   I left the house.  I was disgusted.  And quite honestly I still am.  So this woman (the caller) who hasn’t said a peep to me since 1980,  calls my mother and starts the inquisition.

Later I add my two cents.  My mother replies to me, “I don’t think it’s weird.  Don’t you ever call her mother?”  I was floored.  “No,” I answered , ” Why would I?”  I don’t call any old high school friend’s mothers.  I never have in my entire life.

So this makes me the odd-ball.  No wonder I left so many years ago.  Heaven help me.   I can’t do this on my own.

Tip: Do not engage.

Inspiration: “It is one of my sources of happiness never to desire a knowledge of other people’s business. ” ~Dolley Madison

One-day one-thing: Create a fresh outlook, go somewhere and take photographs.

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