Small Town Blues
The last few attempts at writing a post have me lost. Here are the various titles:
Am I the only one?
It’s a small world.
Get a life.
Down day.
I can’t get a coherent thought on to the screen. Because I am so perplex as to why I find it so difficult to live my life by my own rules, and beliefs. I mean I do for the most part, but there are always these interruptions, when someone has to drop a boatload of judgment on me, in what I feel is the most condescending way.
My rules: don’t engage, get away from the conversation, change the topic. But what did I do today? I failed at my own rules.
I tried to explain the way I thought. I was hoping for a sliver of understanding. What I got was dismissive, and basically a statement saying I am weird, no one else is like that, and it ( whatever the f*ck “it” is) is my fault.
So when I say this journey was going to teach me something it has. And here’s my lesson for today: All of the reasons I left town nearly thirty years ago are still here alive and well. Small towns thrive on gossip and it’s totally acceptable.
There’s a strong overcast of judgmental gossip about people I don’t even remember and I really don’t have any interest in it. I mean seriously, I have moved on. I don’t care. I wish no one ill will, but I also don’t want to hear random bullsh*t about various people when I haven’t even seen them or talked with them since I was eighteen years old.
Today I was the gossip topic for two other people. One was on the phone here and the other had called. I heard my mother lie about where I lived and continue to talk about my children. Like it’s this person’s business. I left the house. I was disgusted. And quite honestly I still am. So this woman (the caller) who hasn’t said a peep to me since 1980, calls my mother and starts the inquisition.
Later I add my two cents. My mother replies to me, “I don’t think it’s weird. Don’t you ever call her mother?” I was floored. “No,” I answered , ” Why would I?” I don’t call any old high school friend’s mothers. I never have in my entire life.
So this makes me the odd-ball. No wonder I left so many years ago. Heaven help me. I can’t do this on my own.
Tip: Do not engage.
Inspiration: “It is one of my sources of happiness never to desire a knowledge of other people’s business. ” ~Dolley Madison
One-day one-thing: Create a fresh outlook, go somewhere and take photographs.
unpack the rat 