So I didn’t make it pass day three of “May Cause Miracles.” That’s right, it was so easy, I said. A snap. “I can do this!”
But life has a way of interrupting even the best of intentions. I mean if all I had to do was to take care of myself, just me, no one else or no other creature, or no other anything, just maybe I could make it past day 3. I don’t know.
I told myself I would catch up, or start over, I have not done either yet. My plate of life is so full right now with……business issues, legal issues, my Mother is ill, my children aren’t settled, a house in disrepair, oh and let’s not forget the tax issues they just found from 2004!
There is even more than that, but that’s about all I care to put into writing.
I think I have done it all wrong. I must have. Everything. Wrong. Since the beginning of my life I must have listened to the wrong people and taken in the wrong messages. I don’t know how else I could have arrived at this place at this time. Because how? Tell me how ? One person can really want a better existence yet can’t ever figure out how to get it?
For the most part I have tried to do the right thing. Even as a small child I knew not to belittle or mock others, I stood up for the underdog ALWAYS. I would think, what would be best? What would be nice? What would be helpful?
Yet here I am, a struggling mess.
I can be sarcastic but only in fun. You know a dry sense of humor….that alone shouldn’t have banished me to this place.
I eat healthy. Food and weight isn’t my issue. I do not long for material items. I dont want or need the latest greatest anything. I just want a simple peaceful life.
Maybe someone has a voodoo doll of me and they are sticking it with pins. That’s about all I can figure, or I was a horrible person in another lifetime. Oy Vey!
Self sabotage. Ever hear of it? It’s when we know better, and yet we continue to follow ideas, thoughts and actions that will not get us where we want to be.
Why do we do this? I have no clue, but I am willing to try to figure it out. So here are my guesses:
1. We are comfortable in habit.
2. We are afraid of failure.
3. We are lazy
4. We have no will power.
5. We have low expectations.
6. We are afraid of change.
7. We doubt our abilities.
Those are the top seven reasons that just popped in my head. You may have come up with different reasons. (I would love to hear from you in the comments)
Now, I want to take those same reasons and listen to them as if a child was telling me why they could never ride a two-wheeler.
My reaction to the child’s reasons was simple and automatic. I effortlessly and instantly offered encouragement. I quickly reassured the child that there was no harm in trying. I let him/her know the worst that could happen isn’t that bad, and that she could always try again.
So why is it as adults we (I) fail to encourage ourselves? I don’t have the answers, nothing is popping into my head.
As a matter of fact, I must take this little post and apply it to myself. It’s time to encourage myself. Wish me well. Cheers to all of you out there who are trying to break out of your existing patterns.
Tip: Treat yourself like you care about yourself.
Inspiration: “Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.” –Jim Rohn
One-day one-thing: I am going to paint or draw something today.
The other day, early while I was still in bed. I got a text. Yes, I am one of those idiots that sleeps with her iPhone. A bad habit I will attempt to break at a later date. Anyway the text said come see Stevie Wonder at 9:30 am today then vote early.
This was only an hours notice, and well I had already voted early, but I convinced my Husband to get up on this cold Saturday and at least vote. We figured if the Stevie Wonder crowd wasn’t too big and if we could get parking we’d check it out.
Here’s the thing – we finally found a parking garage and the attendant basically told us “You can turn around here and go in the lot cross the street for half price.” Okay cool, we thought. I turned around and at that very moment a street spot opened up….free parking. ( I do have a parking angel – another post) I got out of the car, and glanced at the sidewalk and found a penny shining back at me. I pick it up. (I always pick up money I see on the ground)
The scene was eerie, it was empty. Long story short, we grabbed a couple coffees from a guy who just moved here from Bosnia. He kept saying “I have no power at home, I am from Bosnia, this has never happened to me”…” never in Bosnia.”
Then two perfectly detailed Black Escalades drove pass….we run across the street and are in the first row of the small crowd. Stevie Wonder!
He played for about 50 minutes, and opened with this song: Please follow the words in the video….and enjoy.
After he finished his set, he walk the rails, talking to people, shaking hands, and giving hugs…..He got to me and I asked him to warm my hand. He held it for awhile and gave me two love squeezes. WOW.
All I can think of is the power of his message, the power of his soul and the beauty that he creates. I am in awe. And I feel extremely privileged to have spent my freezing Saturday morning with him. And I thank him for being who he is.
The time to love is now. Right now. Stevie, you helped me when I needed it.
What a difference a year can make. Last year at this time I was highly stressed over everything. I was dreading the holidays, and looking for answers to my dysfunctional family of origin. I was burdened without knowing where my next home might be and uncertain as to our future regarding EVERYTHING.
I carried my disappointments front and center all the while trying to make sense out of things that had no answers. This practice lead me to intense sadness, and counter-productive thoughts. Even though I logically was writing about solutions which contained numerous rationalizations, I wasn’t really seeing positive results.
I used to describe my living condition as a sort of limbo hell both physically and emotionally. In essence that was what it was; limbo hell.
I wrote. I read. I planned. I learned. I tried everything, nothing worked.
You know why nothing worked?
Nothing worked because I thought writing the ideas, reading them, and believing I knew something would be enough to make things better. I am going to tell you right here and now….”knowing” anything is worthless without “doing.”
And that is where I am now. I am in the “doing phase.” I am, once and for all, dropping all the slights and the hurts that I perceived over the past several years of my life. Seriously, in order to get anywhere you have to stop “feeling” the past. I use the word ” feeling” the past instead of living, or thinking about the past because it’s how you feel that squashes out your light.
Very soon after I started this “journey to living better with less” I broke down and cried when told I had too many framed photos. That scene made me well aware that my journey was about much more than just “stuff.” I know why I cried. Inside all those frames I saw photos of better times. I cried because I was forced to acknowledge time had vanished into thin air faster than a blink. It all hit me at once like a ton of bricks. I was without. I was in limbo.
Fast forward to now:
This year I am hosting Thanksgiving for my entire family, including my family of origin and I am doing it with an open heart. That’s right, for those people who I have said terrible things about and who I saw as a problem. Those who I shut out and avoided. I am kind of shocked about this myself, but I have thought about this for a awhile and it feels right.
They say time heals, but I don’t think it is time. I think we heal by our own choice. I am not saying it’s easy, but at some point in time you have to move on and you have to let go. You need to live in the present, and see the here and now and you have to eliminate feeling the past. The past is gone.
So now, maybe now, I can say I have grown. Maybe I am capable of putting everything I have learned to work. I’ll tell you this much, it feels like a huge heavy boulder has been remove from my soul, and that is a good thing. I don’t plan on ever holding on to emotional garbage again. From my experience emotional clutter is far more destructive than any of the items collecting dust in my storage unit.
Time to carry on. Cheers!
Today I learned from the other day and simply removed myself from a conversation of which I didn’t want to participate in, and I am proud of myself.
It was so easy to just change the subject, get ignored, and slowly move away. The conversation wasn’t a feel good conversation, and even though I have my own opinions on just about everything I just wanted a more positive day for myself. So I got it.
There you have it, an example of taking control of my environment. I am still learning, so I know there is hope for you too.
Happy Father’s Day all you dads, keep being awesome!
Oh it’s Sunday so I shouldn’t be posting – got to go! Cheers!